Part A (5000 words: Emotional Abuse and Female Abusers) involves identifying the process of emotional abuse as demonstrated through use of examples of societal abuse.
Part B looks at the issue of Female abuse of Men and Children
The article title was meant to be eye catching, and it certainly attracted attention. Because of that attention, I began to keep the file current by adding links to articles on child abuse, as I came across them in my daily reading. As I did so, I began to notice how frequent were reports of women killing and otherwise abusing men. As time passed I saw the need to set up a special article on the topic and so created the file entitled: The Other Side of Violence: Women Abusing Children.
On September 8th 2007 I came across a news item entitled: Exposing the anti-male myth By Bettina Arndt, and was actually stunned by what I read. It seems that even I was unaware of the degree to which Women abuse.
Since that time I have been researching the issue of Feminine Violence, and during that process began to have my understanding enlarged on a whole range of societal issues. Once I began to understand the emotional process of abuse, I began to see connections to so many issues in life, and finally began to understand more clearly, why it is that I absolutely hate Political Correctness and Multiculturalism fanatics.
In Part A I looked at the issue of 'Emotional Abuse' from the perspective of Societal Abuse through Political Activism and Political Correctness.
Part B is divided into the following sections
Introduction: What is Emotional Abuse?
Section 3. Can We Escape from an Abuser's Emotional Abuse a. Is it possible to identify an Emotional Abuser? b. How Can I Know if someone is an Emotional Abuser? c. How do We Identify an Abuser's Victim
Section 4. Lies and Shame: Two Particular Aspects of Abuse
Section 5. Mothers who abuse Children
Section 6. Why do Mothers Abuse Children? : Personal Reflections
Section 7. Male Victims of Female Emotional Abuse a. Are you an abused Male? b. Some Things to Watch out For c. About Domestic Violence Against Men
Section 8. Summary: So Where Do We Go From Here?
Section 9. Repeating Key Ideas.
Section 10. Bibliography
Part Aof This Article is divided into the following Sections:
Introduction: What is Emotional Abuse?
1. Religion, Fundamentalism, Terrorism and Abuse. a. : The Religion and Power of Feminism.
2. Emotional Abuse in Politics and Political Activism a. Brainwashing
Repeating Key Ideas
Bibliography
Note: It is actually beneficial to read the article from the beginning of Part A. The article is designed to build a picture of the dynamics of abuse. In order to get the full picture, it is best to "connect the dots" by reading each consecutive section.
Women who Abuse Men and Children
Introduction
The Difference between Emotional Offence and Emotional Abuse!
What is Emotional Abuse?
We live in a complex world that just loves to reduce everything to slogans and catch phrases. In today's politically correct world, I can call you a whole string of bad names and get away with it, unless I happen to include some reference to your colour, ethnicity, gender or sexual preference. (The words White - Caucasian - Male and Heterosexual are not however considered derogatory or offensive.) At that point, you will be permitted to claim that you suffered from 'emotional pain, distress or trauma'. This would classify you as having been 'emotionally abused'.
We are all taught that we should not call 'fat' people, 'fat'. It is impolite and hurtful. But what about calling someone 'skinny'? Ever thought how 'skinny' people feel when you call them 'skinny'? Whilst old fashioned 'name calling' used to offend people, today that name calling is considered emotional abuse, and can be subject to criminal prosecution. But is there a difference between 'emotional offence' and 'emotional abuse'?
Many different people can be emotionally offended for many different reasons, so first off, I want to clarify here, that this article is not about 'emotional offence'. It is not about being upset by someone who offends your emotions.
Secondly, 'emotional abuse' will not be linked to 'physical domestic violence'. Domestic violence, which is ultimately about power and control, is classifiable as 'emotional abuse'. In this article we will look at emotional abuse in it's non physically violent form, and it is necessary first of all, to see that there is a difference between deliberately, accidentally or casually offending someone's emotional sensibilities and (consciously or subconsciously) choosing a person to be your 'long term captive victim'.
I use the expression 'long term captive victim' deliberately, for it carries within it the concept that Emotional Abuse as a psychotic or neurotic disorder, has as it's objective, to 'take you prisoner' (as opposed to just hurt you); a concept that is missing from those 'other' incidents that we might (justifiably) call, 'emotional abuse'. Whilst it is easy to identify someone who hurts us emotionally, it is not always so easy to identify those who are emotionally abusing us.
Abuse is about control and the fear of losing it. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the mistreatment. Verbal/Emotional Abuse - Sam Vaknin
In this article, "emotional abuse" will be treated as a specific pathological condition manifest in the abuser, and inflicted continuously (or long term) upon the victim. 'Emotional Abuse' in this article is confined to non physical abuse designed to control the thoughts, feelings, mind and behaviours of the victim. If I could reduce 'my' definition of emotional abuse to a single sentence, it would be this:
Emotional Abuse is what an abuser continuously and deliberately does to another person, because the abuser (even if subconsciously) not only knows exactly how and when to make the 'victim' feel guilty, worthless, and dependent, but has an emotional need for the victim to be so.
PART B - Women who abuse Men and Children
Section 3:
Can We Escape from an Abuser's Emotional Abuse
Before going on to discuss the abuse of Children and Men by women, I want to state that there are ways to escape from Emotional Abuse, but escape is impossible, if one does not know that they are being abused. Unfortunately, as I said at the beginning of this article, we live in an age of slogans and catch phrases, so when it comes to what I will call here - 'Pure Emotional Abuse', one should not fall into the trap of accusing a person of being an Emotional Abuser, simply for being a 'normal human being'; having an off day and acting out of character.
Emotional Abuse for Emotional Abusers is a way of living and coping - it is their method of relating to those around them. It is very much a part of their character - to belittle, wound, manipulate, control, and otherwise mistreat by withholding love, or putting conditions on love or acceptance.
3.a. : Is it possible to identify an Emotional Abuser?
Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event. It is designed to reduce a child's self-concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy—unworthy of respect, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children: love and protection.
In matrimonial battles, for example, the children all too often become the battlefield. I remember a young boy...His mother and father were locked in a bitter divorce battle, and each was demanding total loyalty and commitment from the child.
But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim feel guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative behavior—very easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle with their own children. Although most victims courageously reject that response, their lives often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a severely damaged self-concept and an inability to truly engage and bond with others.
For those with an idealized notion of "family," the task of refusing to accept the blame for their own victimization is even more difficult. For such searchers, the key to freedom is always truth—the real truth, not the distorted, self-serving version served by the abuser.
3.b. : How Can I Know if someone is an Emotional Abuser?
An abuser is not always the product of an abusive childhood.
You can not always spot an abuser "from a mile away". In fact, many former victims can tell you that they would have never suspected their abuser until it was already too late.
An abuser is not restricted to inflicting only physical pain. Most times, the psychological damage far exceeds the physical damage.
Common Traits
If they [the abusers] do admit their actions, it is always the fault of the victim.
Abusive men and women tend to feel inadequate and depressed.
An abuser feels jealous and over-possessive of their victim.... [and] get insanely jealous at the slightest hint of someone else getting any of their victims attention, and become very hostile at the thought of losing their "property".
An abuser expects complete attention and support from their [victim].
Abusers expect and demand complete control and submittance on the part of their victim.
Abusers tend to lean towards drugs and/or alcohol as an "escape".
Abusers know how and when to make their partner feel guilty. By causing guilt, the victim is more likely to stay and deal with the abuse, rather then feel "responsible" for any harm their abuser might inflict on themselves.
Suicide is frequently used as a method of manipulation.
Sometimes an abuser will go as far as to cut or cause other forms of harm to themselves in order to keep their victim from leaving.
Often, the survivor will make excuses for their abusers behavior.
Victim feel themselves entirely without control. This fear of helplessness may extend into other aspects of their lives, for varying amounts of time.
Fear is the biggest tool used by an abuser to receive and maintain control.
Anger is a common feeling that develops after an attack. Anger is a healthy and common reaction for a survivor, as long as the anger is not aimed at themselves. Anger can be a helpful tool for regaining the strength and the courage needed to get back control of their life.
Some common physical symptoms are: muscle tension, headaches, stomach pains, nausea, appetite loss, sleep disturbances, fatigue, and nervousness.
Feelings most frequently experienced: Fear, Guilt, Anger, Shame, Betrayal, Lack of trust In their own ability to make judgments, Powerlessness and depression, Feeling helpless
If you are a victim of emotional abuse, there can be no self-help until you learn to self-reference. That means developing your own standards, deciding for yourself what "goodness" really is. Adopting the abuser's calculated labels—"You're crazy. You're ungrateful. It didn't happen the way you say"—only continues the cycle.
Adult survivors of emotional child abuse have only two life-choices: learn to self-reference or remain a victim. When your self-concept has been shredded, when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury was all your fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not provide it—you play the role assigned to you by your abusers.
It's time to stop playing that role, time to write your own script. Victims of emotional abuse carry the cure in their own hearts and souls. Salvation means learning self-respect, earning the respect of others and making that respect the absolutely irreducible minimum requirement for all intimate relationships. For the emotionally abused child, healing does come down to "forgiveness"—forgiveness of yourself
Victim survivor rights
You have the right to decide what happens in your life at any time
You have the right to decide what you want to do about the abuse. People can give you options, but the decision is entirely yours
You have the right not to be a "victim" for the rest of your life. You were a victim, but now you are a survivor. ( The Victim - The Broken Spirits Network)
Section 4
Lies and Shame: Two Particular Aspects of Abuse
Forming a bridge between the foregoing sections and the ones to come, I want to draw your attention here to two articles in relation to Islam. The first is entitled: Fabricating an Emotion By Shmuel Katz. Whilst this article is specifically about the Islamic claim to Jerusalem as a holy city of Islam, we can see within it an emotional element used by Emotional Abusers. Katz writes:
The use of lies in our time as a primary weapon of state policy .... a highly effective political weapon.
Al-Ghazzali, the great 11th-century Muslim theologian, wrote: "Know that a lie is not haram [wrong] in itself, but only because the evil conclusions to which it leads the hearer, making him believe something that is not really the case… If a lie is the only way of obtaining a good result, it is permissible.… We must lie when truth leads to unpleasant results."
"What a people believes," writes modern Arab historian Philip Hitti about the Arabs, "even if untrue, has the same influence over the lives as if it were true."
Whether we are talking about relationship abuse, or political emotional abuse, it is important to realise that emotional abuse is not just about the emotions of the abuser, but the emotions of the victim. We are probably all aware of the saying: 'He's just toying with your emotions!' Well, that is what emotional abuse is about, and manipulation of the truth and outright lies do serve the abuser's purpose; achieving the desired "positive" result. It is always important to take note of people whose 'facts' come wrapped up in 'emotions', particularly when the emotional impact of facts is damaging to you.
There is an old saying that the facts speak for themselves, yet despite that, we tend to 'hype up' the facts with emotional triggers so that we get the desired response. There have been numerous examples of this in the last few years, most notably the Reutersgate Scandal
'Triggers' or 'Conditioned responses' refers to the reaction of a person within a specific situation wherein, words, actions, and surrounding events or environment, cause a person to respond in a pre-programmed way. You may remember the expression "Pavlov's dog", It relates to a situation in which a dog was taught to salivate at the sound of a bell. People can be 'triggered' into an emotional response, without even realising that they are being manipulated by an abuser. You can even learn how to be a great salesman by Using 'Triggers' in Selling.
The use of emotional triggers is common in the Media, and an example of that in this article was the headline referring to the toddler drowning while his father showered. Another example, although I can't find the link now, was an incident in which a newspaper showed a wounded man staggering away from an Israeli Tank, with a caption that gave the impression that the man in the photo had been beaten by Israelis. In fact, the wounded man was an Israeli who had been beaten by Arabs. The purpose of the photograph was to engender an emotional reaction to abuse by Israeli Troops, even though in reality, the photo was of the complete opposite situation.
We each have certain triggers which cause us to emotionally react, and sometimes, the failure to investigate in a logical and rational way, the situation before us, can lead to dramatic results. Some years ago I remember reading about a teenage boy who had accused a male teacher of sexual impropriety. The teacher was found guilty; lost his job, wife, children and community respect. Some 18 months later, the same boy made a similar accusation against another male teacher in a different school, and it was proven that the boy had lied. Thereafter the police were able to obtain a confession from the boy, to the fact that he had lied about the first male teacher. Too late for that teacher. He had lost everything. He was found guilty and lost everything, on the strength of the word of one witness who managed to trigger the emotions of the entire legal system. Such is the power of words when connected to 'emotionally charged topics'. As is indicated in the article Public heaps scorn on male victims of abusive women, people can be so powerfully moved by emotional triggers, that they will do the most heinous things.
Beliefs about men's and women's violence are so sacred and arouse such strong feelings that the thought of questioning them can sometimes evoke violence. After Steinmetz published her groundbreaking book, The Battered Husband Syndrome, in 1978, she was not only derided and denounced, but her children's lives also were threatened.
Emotions are powerful things, and when twisted or triggered by familial and societal influences, they can be utterly deadly. In this report from 'The Jerusalem Post, written by the Arab writer Khaled Abu Toameh, we see that 'shame' is a powerful emotion that can lead some men to murder women. Palestinian 'honor killings' up
Violence against women in Palestinian society is on the rise.....at least 48 women have been killed in the last three years in the West Bank and the Gaza Strip as a result of domestic violence.
Most of the victims were murdered for allegedly bringing "shame" on male members of their families. The victims' ages ranged between 12 and 85.
32 of the cases were related to "honor killings"
Seventeen of the women had been murdered by their brothers, while only five were slain by their fathers
One might like to argue that this reference merely supports the violent nature of men or Muslims, but it's purpose here is to demonstrate the power of 'shame'. I have lived in China for 5 years now, and I have seen first hand, the powerful emotional grip that 'loss of face' can have on a person's life. I used to struggle with the illogical nature of a situation wherein a person who lies to you has the emotional 'upperhand', when accusing you of causing them to 'lose face', because you proved that they had lied. It has nothing to do with logic. Emotion is emotion. It matters not whether it be justified and logical or not. That it is an emotion makes it real, and the emotional feeling is tangible for the person experiencing the emotion.
There can be nothing worse in life for an emotionally triggered person than when an emotional situation relates to severe pain, shame, loss of face, or loss of power and public standing. When everything seems hopeless and one has nothing left to lose, extreme reactions are all that are viable. One can concede that a situation is completely lost and decide to commit suicide, or decide that with nothing left to lose, there is only everything left to Gain. From that vantage point then, everything from lies to murder is profitable. When an abuser suffering some emotional extreme decides that there is only everything left to gain, they will set out to 'Win at all cost' - or - 'Make the bastard pay!' The amount of direct or collateral damage caused in the process is irrelevant, and I personally believe that this type of action is responsible for much of the damage done during and after divorce.
No matter who you may be, or what relationship you have with an abuser, if you choose to stand up for yourself to fight off the abuse, it will 'cost' you something. In the end, it comes down to 'which cost do you prefer paying?' Whilst it is always possible to get almost completely free from an emotional abuser (changing countries for example), it is my personal belief that your freedom always comes with some cost. The question is, 'are you prepared to pay the cost?' Which is better - to keep yourself tied to the abuser in a state of victimhood, or set yourself free and only occasionally have to put up with the fallout?
The difficult thing about 'sustained emotional abuse' is that the real victims of it have been victims since childhood. It is far easier for an emotionally healthy adult to recognise an abusive personality, than for those who have been victims of emotional abuse all their lives; and by 'all their lives', I mean since childhood.
Section 5
Mothers who abuse Children
Having just talked about emotional triggers, it is possible that some female readers are at this point starting to jump up and down chanting those tired old feminist slogans about how only men abuse their kids. If this is the attitude you bring into your reading here, then may I suggest that you first go to The other side of Violence and follow all the links to newspaper articles (mostly Australian) relating to criminal proceedings against females who have abused their children, even to death.
I've chosen to focus on mothers, rather than fathers, for several reasons.
First, most of the suicidal teens I talk to are being raised by mothers, so I have been able to collect more data on them.
Second, more and more children and teens are being raised in single parent homes, where the mother is likely to have primary custody.
Third, if there is abuse in the home, the fathers tend to be more physically (and sexually) abusive, while the mothers, though often physically abusive as well, tend to use verbal and non-verbal communication, such as silence, frowns and hate-filled faces, to do the damage.
Also, women seem to have a special gift for vicious and toxic emotional attacks. As Shakespeare said, "Hell hath no fury like a women scorned."
In broad terms I would say an emotionally abusive mother is a mother who uses her son or daughter in an attempt to fill her own unmet emotional needs. This is similar to defining sexual abuse as someone who uses another person in order to fill their own sexual needs.
If the mother did not feel adequately loved, safe, secure, protected, appreciated, valued, accepted and respected before giving birth, she will, in all likelihood, attempt to use the child (and later the teen) to fill these needs. If she did not feel adequately in control of her own life as a child and teen, she can be expected to try to control her son or daughter as compensation. This is the recipe for emotional abuse.
To fill her unmet need for respect, a mother might try to demand that her daughter "respect" her. To fill her unmet need to feel loved, the mother might try to manipulate the son into performing what she perceives as acts of love. To fill her unmet need to feel appreciated, the mother might try to spoil her daughter or she might constantly remind the daughter of all the things she does for her and all the sacrifices she makes for her.
Mothers are particularly adept at emotional manipulation.
The implicit, if not explicit, message has always been "if you don't fill Mother's needs, she will reject or abandon you."
National Exchange Club Foundation - Preventing Child Abuse Serving America
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse, which is 8% of all substantiated cases of child abuse, is commonly defined as the systematic tearing down of another human being... [it] is probably the least understood of all child abuse, yet it is the most prevalent, and can be the cruelest and most destructive of all types of abuse....the victim comes to see him or herself as unworthy of love and affection.
What are the effects of emotional abuse?
Other types of abuse are usually identifiable because marks or other physical evidence is left, however, emotional abuse can be very hard to diagnose or even to define... This type of abuse leaves hidden scars that manifest themselves in numerous ways. Insecurity, poor self-esteem, destructive behavior, angry acts, withdrawal, poor development of basic skills, alcohol or drug abuse, suicide and difficulty forming relationships can all be possible results of emotional abuse.
Section 6
Why do Mothers Abuse Children? : Personal Reflections - R.P.BenDedek
There are many reasons why 'a person' is an emotional abuser, and we have already and will yet again come to look at some of these reasons. But what makes a Mother's Abuse so hideous? Firstly, I think the reason is that we as a society have been (falsely) taught to believe that women are inherently good and that men are evil. Therefore it can be said that we have already 'set everyone up' from the start, not to recognise an Abusive Mother.
We have been brainwashed to believe that when women commit acts of violence, that they are justified. Men of course are not! And when we can find no justification for a women's violence, we automatically accept the feminist line that a women's actions were 'out of character' and brought on by 'external' influences (usually a male's behaviour) and/or hormonal imbalance.
We have been taught that men are violent testosterone filled animals, and yet, testosterone itself is a natural hormone found in males. Why is it that we forgive women for being at the mercy of their hormones, but not males? Once again, it is because we have been falsely taught to believe that women are inherently gentle and nice.
How is it possible for children then, to act like salmon swimming upstream, and reject the image portrayed by every person and every form of media, that women only ever have the best intentions and would gladly sacrifice themselves for their children. How does a child, faced with the acid tongue of a mother, convince anyone that the mother is evil? To whom can the child turn? And what self image is created within the heart of a child who, rather than being 'saved' from the evil witch, is told that it is his/her own behaviour that is responsible for mother's witchiness?
Furthermore, in a society wherein men are portrayed as evil degenerates, to whom can a child turn for help? If the father is 'present', why has he done nothing to protect his child? The answer seems obvious; either he is as abusive as the mother, or is as much a victim as the child. If the father is absent, how is the father to deal with his child's complaint? We have already accepted that men are evil connivers and anything they do will be seen as an illegitimate attack on their ex. Furthermore, the courts themselves not only overwhelmingly support the mother over the father, but will punish fathers for the same behaviour against which courts will take no action if it be committed by the mother.
The abusive mother treats her children as her 'property', and as has already been stated earlier by Mr. Hain, She might not only constantly remind the child of all the things that she does and has done for the child and all the sacrifices she has made on behalf of the child, but the implicit message is that if the child does not acknowledge this and modify their behaviour, that that child is not only ungrateful and undeserving of love, but may be rejected or abandoned by the mother.
As Children grow older, they may not necessarily fear abandonment or rejection, but living with the guilt can be enough to cause them to maintain their relationship. I think the worst aspect of the emotional abuse, is that in making a child totally dependent on the mother, he/she never learns what 'normal' means, and certainly cannot experience too much 'normalcy with others' without it upsetting the emotional balance at home.
Two possible ways for an emotional abusive woman to limit the impact of 'outside influence' and therefore of 'normalcy' on the child's life, might be:
1. To cut off access to every possible corrupting influence (corrupting mother's influence), which would include members of the extended family, and in the case of divorce, would necessarily include the father. There are a variety of direct and indirect ways that this could be accomplished and all require some amount of 'brainwashing'. Where it is impossible for instance, to completely deny the child access to 'outsiders', one would expect that upon returning home, the abusive parent's desire for control would require a minute by minute description of all activity and conversation that took place during the exposure to the 'outside' world, and would be accompanied by language designed to modify any perceived 'harmful' impact upon the child.
2. The other way to maintain control and reduce harmful outside influences would be to introduce a damage control process whereby children are taught 'never' to reveal what goes on within the confines of the four walls of their domicile. We are no doubt aware of the role that Secrecy in Sexual Abuse plays, but teaching kids to 'keep secrets' is also an effective measure in guaranteeing that the 'outside' world does not have a chance to interfere with the day to day 'emotionally abusive control' within the home. "It is no one's business but ours" is a very logical foundation upon which to insist that 'one does not air their dirty linen in public'.
It would be a given that a child who breaks these rules would be punished in some way or another. Even if the motivation behind such parental behaviour was never meant to be abusive, a lifetime of living under these conditions can not have a positive effect on the child as an adult, because it ultimately makes it impossible for them to 'let others in'. When one is in the habit of never discussing anything of a personal or familial nature with 'outsiders', that must carry over into adult life, especially marriage, and sets one up to either be in direct conflict with one's spouse, and/or requires cutting off the influence of the spousal extended family.
The bottom line to Child abuse, is that long after the abuser is dead and buried, the effects of abuse - the modified behaviour - continues, and in the case where the Mother is the abuser, even if she dies, moves away or whatever, the effects on the child are such, that they cannot relate in a 'normal' way to the remaining but separated 'father'.
Today, despite feminism's massive offensive to eradicate 'sexism'; despite more kids than ever being raised by women; and despite all the education campaigns being waged to modify the behaviour of young males, sexism is as strong as ever. And one is left to wonder why! The dreary feminist line of course is once again that it is the father's fault. He is the cause of sexism when he is present and the cause of it when he is absent.
Personally, I believe that society's influence upon many young men in relation to sexism, has neither fallen on deaf ears, nor improved their behaviour. What seems to have happened, is that emotional abuse, practiced under the guise of 'anti-sexism' education, has resulted in many wise young men 'rebelling' against the emotional control, and have consequently ended up presenting themselves to be (or accused of being), just as sexist as their non existent fathers or male role models. (Search 'Sexism' or 'losing the battle on Sexism' on the Internet. There is plenty to read). Many of those who did not rebel, but rather fell under the control mechanisms, ended up losing their masculine identity, and turned into genderless effete and politically correct individuals.
Fortunately, emotional abuse is not 'the norm' in society, so most young men grow up adapting to the legitimately imposed behaviour modification requirements. Nevertheless, it is not the 'normal' teenager who commits suicide, ends up in prison, or does something stupid enough to warrant mention on the front page of the newspaper.
By viewing the issue of 'sexism' through the lens of Female Abuse of Males, it is possible to understand not only why so many young men are sexist, but why so many young men suffer from depression, drug and alcohol addiction, turn to exotic religions, or end up committing suicide. What these troubled teenagers need is a normal life and normal relationships, but even if their father is 'normal', such is the control upon their life, that they can never relate to him in a 'normal' way.
Of course, the posit above was that the father was absent, but many fathers are not 'absent', and still their children cannot relate to them in a normal way. Unless a 'father' is likewise an emotional abuser, or worse still, completely oblivious to what passes for 'normalcy' within the home, the only explanation left for why a normal child could not have a normal relationship with their father, is that the father is likewise a victim of emotional abuse, and has abrogated his responsibilities for the sake of self-protection - otherwise euphemistically called 'keeping the peace'. But, as every victim knows, there never is any peace!
This link -Symptoms of Emotional Abuse (Women Readers) may be assistance to those women readers who feel that they are victims of emotional abuse, or who wonder if their own behaviour qualifies them as abusers. I will summarize it below.
He controls your finances, make plans for you, or does not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them. He might insist that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life. He creates in you a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency. Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time. He trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself. He allows no real input or criticism. In other words -- What he says, goes.
She was verbally abused as a child, witnessed it in her own family, or was verbally abused by a previous partner.
She has low self-esteem.
She has an intense temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.
Her sense of power or control depends on her partner's acquiescence and his performance per her demands. She feels "in control" only if her partner is totally passive and giving in to all of her preferences and decisions.
She has rigid expectations or fantasies of marriage, partnership, or men, and will not compromise. She expects him to behave according to her expectations of what her partner should be like; perhaps the way her parents' marriage was, or its opposite.
She demands that he change to accommodate her expectations.
She projects the blame for all relationship difficulties onto her partner. She wouldn't get angry if only he would be who she wants him to be... She wouldn't drink if he didn't make her unhappy... She denies the need for counseling because there's "nothing wrong with her, only with him." She might not want him to get counseling because she's threatened by the threat of an outsider "taking sides" with him.
Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Her primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with her husband/boyfriend.
She may be described as having a dual personality -- she is either sweet or exceptionally cruel and sharp. She is selfish or generous depending on her mood.
A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. She can be sweet, calm, charming and convincing. The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to her partner as a person in his own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when she's angry. She assumes that he is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often her father (or other family member or authority figure).
7. (b.)
What is your Lady Like?
Some Things to Watch out For: - R.P. Bendedek
Some of the things within the relationship to look for would be if the Abusive woman seems to be addicted to drama. You know - the good old fashion 'drama queen'. Every little thing becomes a drama. She is the type of person who will stand there and tell you that she never said what you and everyone else heard her say, or insist that you completely 'so did not understand her meaning'. She will twist everything around so much that you really have a hard time keeping it all in your head, and you will begin to doubt your own sanity and perception of reality.
She is the sort of person who will make threats every time you don't give her what she wants. Those threats could be anything from her own suicide to taking the kids away from you or to tell everyone one of your personal or business secrets, or she might threaten to accuse you of something that everyone will automatically believe. (Of course they will believe her! She is a poor defenceless female and you are just a man - evil creature that you are.)
She is the sort of person who knows how to push all of your buttons and then claim that you are too sensitive. She will be the sort of person who has no time to sit and relax with you by the pool, but will demand that you spend quality time with her at the end of a double-shift at work, and then accuse you of being insensitive to her needs because you just want to sleep.
She might complain all the time that you only love her for sex, and when you stop hassling her for sex, she either accuses you or tells other people that you are obviously having an affair.
She is the sort of person that you will never be able to please, because whatever it is that she demands of you today, tomorrow she will demand the opposite. Try as hard as you may - you will never please her.
One very sure sign that your lady is an emotional abuser is this. If you find that every time you two get into an argument that you become really drowsy and drop off to sleep, you can be certain that you are a victim of emotional abuse. One of the body's self-defence mechanisms to cope with excessive stress, is to shut down and sleep. If you find this happening to you, then you had better pay attention to what is happening in your relationship, because you are on a slippery slope!
Emotional abuse puts you on edge. You never know what is going through your lady's head, or what she is likely to do next. If her behaviour does not totally erode your sense of self-worth, you will simply find yourself going totally cold inside. Trapped in a relationship from which there is no escape (because she has already scared the living daylights out of you for just thinking about doing that), you will just die on the inside, go looking for love elsewhere, or become violent.
Women love to make a big deal about male violence and never cease from telling us that there is NEVER any excuse for violence against a women - but of course the converse hardly if ever rates a mention. But there are two things we need to realise, and they are, that men are more deeply affected by emotional abuse than physical abuse, and that emotional and psychological abuse of a male may be the spark that leads to domestic violence. We all feel sorry for women whose husbands exhibit violence, but even if we stop to consider that his violence only occurred because he finally got pushed over the edge, we have been so brainwashed to believe that there is never any justification for violence against women, that we will still blame the man and not the woman.
Now although this article is strictly speaking about non-physical emotional abuse, I would draw your attention to a really informative site that deals with Domestic Violence against men. It will not only enable you to understand why you smash walls and furniture, but explains the dynamics leading up to the event, and the emotional dynamic the follows.
This risk of violence increases when the woman insults the man in front of their children, threatens the man's relationship with his children, or she refuses to control her abusive behavior when the children are present. She may call him a terrible father or an awful husband in front of the children. Eventually he feels enraged not only because of how she treats him, but how her behavior is harming the children. At some point the man may throw something, punch a wall, or slam his fist down loudly to vent his anger and to communicate that he has reached his limits. Up till now she has never listened to what he had to say. He decides that maybe she will stop if she can see just how angry he has become. Rather than recognizing that he has reached his limits, expressing his anger physically has the opposite effect. For a long time the man has tried to hide his anger. Why should the woman believe he really means it? After all, he has put up with her abuse for a long time and done nothing. Instead of realizing that things have gotten out of control, the woman may approach him and say something like, "What are you gonna do. Hit me? Go ahead. I'll call the police and you'll never see your children again." Once he expressed his anger physically, the situation became dangerous for him and for her. The door to violence has opened wide. He should walk away. When he does walk away, she ends up more angry than ever, will scream obscenities at him and strike him repeatedly. She may even strike him with an object.
This type of situation is the classical 'catch 22'. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you walk away from an argument you will be called names in front of the children and she will do and say anything at all to provoke a response. Once you respond however, your response, whatever it may be, will not only 'not be good enough', but will be the cause of a fresh round of accusations and abuse.
The very nature of Emotional abuse is that you must live your life and express your emotions in accordance with the wishes of the abuser. The abuse is designed to control and subjugate you and like any other form of brainwashing, it will eventually wear you down. (What is Emotional Abuse?) You may be able to run from it, but you can never escape it. Abusers are relentless. They are relentless in controlling you when you are in their control, and relentless in making you pay when you are not.
The link above will take you to a lot of information about the abuse of males, some of which I will attempt to summarize. Men stay in abusive relationships for numerous reasons that might include:
A desire to protect their kids
Fear of leaving in case they physically and emotionally lose their kids
They suffer from some real or imagined guilt that binds them to the abuser
They falsely believe that if they just 'tough it out' eventually everything will get better
They might in fact be 'addicted' to the abusive partner. Years ago the term 'co-dependent' was an oft used expression.
Finally,(My own words), it is quite possible that the man is just too dumb to know what is really going on. He thinks that this is normal married life. If he was an emotionally abused child, then of course, everything will be just like he remembered family life to be when he was a child.
Whilst some might still prefer the feminist chant that the male is the predominant abuser, both the About Domestic Violence Against Men website and Bettina Arndt's article entitled: Exposing the anti-male myth will help to reassure you that Men are copping a raw deal when it comes to PR on this issue. Just for your information, Bettina Arndt's article is located on the Dads in Distress Website.
To quote from the Domestic Violence against Men Website: "In 100 domestic violence situations approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men." - "The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others when men are abused."
A summary from the abovementioned Website on: What Are The Characteristics Of Women Who Are Abusive And Violent?
Alcohol Abuse.
Psychological Disorders. At least 50% of all domestic abuse and violence against men is associated with woman who have a Borderline Personality disorder. The disorder is also associated with suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems and alcohol abuse.
Unrealistic expectations, assumptions and conclusions. They blame men rather than admit their problems, take responsibility for how they live their lives or do something about how they make themselves miserable. They refuse to enter treatment and may even insist the man needs treatment. Instead of helping themselves, they blame a man for how they feel and believe that a man should do something to make them feel better. They will often medicate their emotions with alcohol. When men can't make them feel better, these women become frustrated and assume that men are doing this on purpose.
That website has an extremely important section entitled: A Common Dynamic: How Violence ERUPTS. If you are suffering Physical and/or Emotional Abuse, that section goes a long way to explaining how the situation develops.
The fact of life is that there are many men out there, separated, divorced, or still in their marriages, who are suffering from ongoing Emotional Abuse. It can take a long time to recognise; a long time to put a name to it, but once that is achieved, there are some very difficult decisions to be made.
If you are in an abusive relationship, then you must get some professional help before the two of you can work through the abusive situation. Without professional help, the situation is not likely to change.
If you are already out of the relationship and have kids, then the abuse is still going to continue, albeit in a diluted form, or by proxy through the children. The biggest problem you will face, is that the longer the children remain in the control of the mother, the bigger the chance that the kids themselves will begin to become emotionally abusive toward you. Unless you get some professional help, which may require some later form of group therapy, then you face the prospect of never having a normal relationship with your kids. Of course, you might also end up at a cross road, and have to choose between living your life free of their emotional abuse toward you, or coming under their control. Not an easy decision. So seek professional guidance.
If you are separated and have no children, then you need to see a counsellor and get yourself checked out and receive some expert help in coming to grips with the effect of the abuse on you; the triggers that set you off to be a victim or an abuser, before you enter another relationship.
Section 8 : Summary
So Where Do We Go From Here?
Emotional abuse is debilitating. It robs us of the joy of living. It strips us of our self-worth and dignity. It destroys our perceptions to the extent that we cannot discern truth from lies, and reality from illusion.
Years ago when I was studying counselling, a lecturer made the statement that 90 % of insane people have no physiological origin for their insanity. It is self inflicted. When people refuse to face their problems head on, they have no choice but to succumb to the effects of that life, and for some, that leads to insanity. But even then, insane people do have moments of rationality, and in those moments, they may still be able to make a choice to be sane.
We may not primarily be responsible for the sufferings we endure, but we can choose not to continue in them. Nothing in life is Free and nothing in Life is Easy. There will always be a cost to pay for whatever decision we make.
If you are the victim of emotional abuse, then sit down and calmly look at your options, and work out the cost of choosing each option. Once you make your decision, whatever the cost may ultimately be, it will be bearable. But first of course - go see a professional psychologist/counsellor.
But there is one thing that you should never ever do, and that is start playing the same emotional mind games that abusers play. When we discover that people are manipulating us, it is tempting to use their own strategies on them. This is a slippery slope, and once you begin to walk down that slope, you may find that you have become the very type of person that you despise.
You may not be able to stop people playing games with your life, but you still have the freedom to choose how you will deal with each episode. My personal statement is: I may not be able to escape unpunished - but it will be I who chooses which punishment I bear!
Life is about being free to make your choices. Death is about having no ability to make any choice at all.
Yes you may lose everyone you hold dear, but to quote Jesus: 'Let the Dead bury the Dead!' The only way to be empowered to help those who are trapped, is to make sure that you have the resources that come with not being trapped. And when in your new found freedom you discover that your family, friends, children and neighbours turn against you and revile you, take a moment to remember that they too are victims of abuse. They know not what they are doing!
There is no cost to dying. All you do is lay day and wait for death. But there is a cost to living. Will you pay the cost? Will you be like Martin Luther King Jnr and proclaim: 'Free at Last!'
I wish you well in your journey. Don't walk the road alone. Look in your local telephone book for a person or group that can help you, and check the internet if you can't find some local support. It will be an uphill climb - be sure of that - but oh what a magnificent view at the top!
At 3000 metres, it's a hell of a climb, even when you take a bus.
But the effort is worth it.
Marriage Counselling
A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had.
She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to continue for a length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand, and embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
He is still in counselling !!
Some Key Ideas worth repeating.
Emotional Abuse as an emotional disorder, has as it's objective, to 'take you prisoner' as opposed to just hurt you.
Abuse is about control and the fear of losing it. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously.
The Victim does not consciously choose or want what is forced on them.
Do we just accept that everything is the fault of the male?
Those who preach ideologies end up becoming intolerant, undemocratic, and totalitarian.
Abusers feel the need to control the thoughts, words and actions of those around them.
Emotional abuse is all about looking for battlegrounds upon which to find victory!
Fraud and deception is practiced by those with a need to 'prove that they are right'
There is a contradiction between belief in the right to free speech, and refusal to say what one really thinks or feels.
An Abuser's own emotional security 'depends' on strict and comforting compliance of their victim's behaviour.
There are a million ways to abuse, directly and by proxy, which includes using the children.
Do as I command, or I will (figuratively or literally) kill you.
Abusers need their victims, far more than the victims need their abusers
The primary weapons of emotional abusers is the deliberate infliction of guilt.
It is very much a part of their character - to belittle, wound, manipulate, control
Abusers demand total loyalty and commitment
An abuser is not always a man
Abusers become very hostile at the thought of losing their "property".
People can be 'triggered' into an emotional response, without realising that they are being manipulated.
The abusive mother treats her children as her 'property',
As every victim knows, there never is any peace!
The Abuser projects the blame for all relationship difficulties onto her partner
Abusers Motto: Everything from lies to murder is profitable. 'Win at all cost' 'Make the bastard pay!'
If you choose to stand up for yourself to fight off the abuse, it will 'cost' you something.
There is one thing that you should never ever do, and that is start playing the same emotional mind games
You have the right not to be a "victim" for the rest of your life
It will be an uphill climb - be sure of that - but oh what a magnificent view at the top!
Coming down Emeishan (Mt.Emei) the scenery is lush and full of life.
Once you reach the top, it is so easy to enjoy the trip down the other side.
If you would like to recommend a counsellor in your particular area in the world, then Send me their Full name, address, telephone number, email address and street address (no abbreviations) and I will publish the details here as a community service. - R.P.BenDedek. rpbendedek@hotmail.com
February 23rd 2008
More women accused of domestic violence BOCSAR director Don Weatherburn said the increase was likely to have been driven by more than one factor, including an increase in binge drinking or more men being willing to admit to being victims. "It's possible that people are becoming less tolerant of violence by women than they used to be," he told Fairfax.
R.P.BenDedek is from Brisbane Australia and is the author of 'The King's Calendar: The Secret of Qumran' at http://www.kingscalendar.com His academic articles set forth Apologetics for and results of his discovery of an "artificial chronological scheme" running through the Bible, Josephus, the Damascus Documents of the Dead Sea Scrolls, and Seder Olam Rabbah.
He writes photographic 'Stories from China' and social editorial commentaries, both at KingsCalendar, and as a contributing newspaper columnist. He currently teaches Conversational English in China and in addition to his English Lessons at KingsCalendar, he has created specific sites for Students of English.
