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For the past four decades I’ve lived on the southern coast of Maine. Some sort of pest defined every one of those years. This year, the formidable foe is defined as some of the smallest creatures I’ve ever seen. Most of the time I can’t see them but having a wife who keeps an immaculate home gives me the capacity to know when every one of them dares to attack her kitchen. I am not talking about an infestation even though, if left alone, this could happen. I am talking about a dozen of the little ant-holes that appear every day.
In the past I’ve battled multiple pests. I clearly remember the year of the voles. These appeared as multiple runways that connected tiny openings in my lawn. They must have lived beneath the three-foot snow pack of the past winter that decided to make its own neighborhood with all of its streets and alleys in my backyard. It was bad enough to view this carnage in my lawn but I actually watched it grow. At the peripheral of the lines of lawn that had been ground up were trails I watched pushing out into what little lawn I had left. This pest never came back because instead of fertilizing my lawn I decided to poison it. Hopefully this did not take too many of my years of life away.
Another year was the year of the “the sons of beetles”. The first thing I could see was the damage. I couldn’t eat as much as they ate in one night and I have to tell you eating is something I am really good at. Most of my trees had their foliage half eaten off dead stems that were once covered with greenery smothered instead in the metallic colored insects from hell, voracious little Samurai warriors protected inside their perfect, shiny armor. .
I tried to shake my trees of them but they wouldn’t move. It was as though their feet had special grips that allowed them to stick to anything they wanted. The few that fell to the ground looked up at me and dared me to step on them. So I did. I stamped around like a demented grape crusher and when I was finished looked down only to see them removing the bottom plates of their armor so they could moon me. My flowerbeds were next. They took the stems and leaves of my geraniums and left behind only the red flowers like the bloodied corpses of a horticultural rampage.
Turning to my vegetable garden I noticed a brownish cloud hovering over my zucchini and green beans. It was as though they were circling for the kill. And kill they did. Within seconds the entire airborne armada had descended on my garden and I could hear them munching through the fruits of my labors.
In past years I’ve battled mosquitos that took most of my blood, pigeons that decided to cover my roof with their excrements, and ticks that left viruses behind my physician refuses to believe in. There is no doubt this year is the year of the ant. Attempting to purchase the best mixture of poison I met an elderly woman at Home Depot who was in tears because she never had a pest problem before. There were few choices because most were sold out. The assistant tried to help her but saw there was little he could do for her. I tried to help by telling her this was the year of the ant but she didn’t care because, like my wife she had little use for the little anstards.
At first I tried to spray the hell out of them. All this did was bring more on. I watched as dozens of the little tanks ran over their dead in hopes of acquiring some crumb of food I dropped after wiping the crumbs of multiple snacks off my shirt. They were tough to kill. I stomped on them, twisted them in my hand, and even used a razor in order to cut them in half. They all survived. My last attempt was to sweep them up into my garbage disposal. I assumed that would work but all it did was give them a hiding place to survive and later appear.
My wife decided I was failing in my war with ant-land and decided to place any food she was making in our microwave convinced they would attack any food she dared to place on the counter. She also made me totally responsible for the attack on her kitchen. I will never tell her I actually found one of the black assaulters in my microwave. I literally watched it explode. This made me feel whole.
I was finally forced to use a professional spray to poison every inch of my home. I did this late at night in the hopes the smell would dissipate before my wife woke up. This worked for a couple of days but a few hours ago I observed one of the creatures actually attempt to arise from my drain. I will win. I may not survive into my seventies but I will win.
For the past four decades I’ve lived on the southern coast of Maine. Some sort of pest that drives me crazy defined every one of those years. I just hope the pests from my past don’t form some sort of alliance that will be difficult, if not impossible, to defeat.